I wrote the original article in 2020, but—you know what?—it’s still a problem. Do I always practice self-love when things go wrong? Unfortunately, no. But I am loving me better.
Do we think saying “I love me” sounds kind of selfish? Possibly, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be something else: self-compassion. It’s a necessary component of self-care, especially for the chronically ill. Practicing self-compassion can be critical to our well-being.
The technical definition
Self-compassion is the extension of kindness, care, warmth, and understanding (instead of beratement and criticism) toward oneself when faced with shortcomings, inadequacies, or failures.
My biggest “I don’t love me” moments
I still sometimes catch myself getting extremely upset when I forget to do something important. Too often, I trash-talk myself.
Other times that cause upset occur when I know a word but cannot “find” it, coming to an absolute standstill in conversation.
Still other occasions arise when I can’t accomplish a simple task.
So how do I react? Not very well. Decades ago, these moments used to happen only occasionally, so I could shrug it off and laugh. A long time ago, when this used to happen only occasionally, I could shrug it off and laugh. But even now, I (wrongly) beat myself up at times. “Stupid.” “How can you be so dumb?” “You idiot.” And so on.
The big question I need to ask: Would I say those words to another person having that problem? No!
Your “I don’t love me” moments may stem from different causes.
But I bet you have times when you berate or criticize yourself. As people living with invisible disabilities, we have many difficult days. And during those times, we frequently sink to “I don’t love me” moments.
So, now what?
Is it possible to cut ourselves slack? How?
Ways to change “I don’t love me” to “I love me”
Practical methods
- Remember, you would not speak to another person in that manner.
- Seek to understand why you reacted like that.
- Write or update a to-do list, for memory-related issues.
- Then remember to look at it!
Emotional approaches
- Try to calm down.
- Be kind to yourself.
- Take care of yourself.
- If you’ve involved someone else, try apologizing.
Spiritual suggestions
- Respond with praise to God for who He is.
- Think of a favorite Bible verse.
- Start singing a special song.
- Call/text a trusted friend for prayer.
What to do when “I love me” fails
- Don’t criticize, berate, belittle, or otherwise put yourself down.
- Evaluate why you responded that way.
- Plan ahead for the next time.
- Spend some time thinking of suitable responses.
- Write them down.
- Role-play situations that you know recur by using positive feedback.
Summing up
Now we have seen strategies that can work if we apply them. And there is the rub! Remembering these points becomes challenging when I am upset. But I am working on it. Personally, I should remember I would never speak to another person that way. That might be the foremost plan of action; it frees my mind to consider other approaches.
May your “I don’t love me” times decrease as your “I love me” times increase!
We’d like your input
What do you do to cope on “I don’t love me” days?
Our book, Sunbreaks in Unending Storms, contains information about dealing with emotions. See Chapter 8, Turbulent Weather Impact—The Collision of Emotions.
See Francee Strain’s post, “The Staredown,” for more ideas.
Check out “What is Self-Compassion?” to learn more.
Good Therapy explores self-compassion and whether it is selfishness.
